Alone
by nameschlame
Summary: Maura has just moved to Boston, new and friendless. Is Jane her friend? Jane thinks Maura is way too out of her league to be friends. Both despair in how alone they feel... or are they?
1. Chapter 1

Contrary to most of the world's population, Maura didn't like Saturdays. She didn't have to go into work on Saturdays, and she essentially didn't have much else to do. There were the occasional fancy events that the Isles family had to make appearances for on Saturday evenings, but when those were scarce, Maura had nothing to do. And when you have nothing to do, it becomes very hard to ignore the fact that you are all alone.

She jumped at the dates that would come her way, but that was far and few in between now, when her social circle hadn't been expanding and all she'd been doing thus far was work and then going home. Well, that and the occasional Dirty Robber dinner when Jane remembered to ask her along. It's hard, making friends in a new city. Dirty robber nights were always great – Jane never failed to make her feel like one of them, and Maura always spent her night laughing in great company. She was lucky if that happened once a week. She couldn't expect Jane to keep inviting her, she knew her presence didn't always make people comfortable. She'd never been that good at making friends, she knew she lacked normal social skills. She'd tried to learn and pick up 'normal' social skills of course, but somehow people always knew that it wasn't natural for her. There's no faking what you don't know, Maura thought.

Anyway, it'd been a while since Jane had asked her to go to the Dirty Robber with her and the guys. Maura figured she must have done something wrong the last time and Jane had finally realised what a total robot she must be. A social recluse. Emotionally inept or something. Maura took a deep breath and a big gulp of wine. She flipped mindlessly through the channels on her television but couldn't find anything to capture her attention. She glanced at the clock. 4pm. Ugh. Why was time crawling by? She wished Monday would come sooner and she could go to work and have something _, anything_ to occupy her mind. Anything to drive away the thoughts of how alone she was. She could barely stand the silence in the house, that's why she left the TV on all day on weekends, just so it would be a little less quiet. She tried to lie down and close her eyes, to quiet her brain from the thoughts that she knew would only cause her to spiral downwards. To try and reason her brain into being normal and _functional._ She felt crazy, talking to herself like that.

Yeah you're all alone now but you should really get out and about, it's too much to be alone all the time. Some socialisation would be good for you. You should ask a friend out!

You don't have friends, idiot.

Jane is a friend.

No she isn't.

Yeah she is, she asks me to go to the Robber with them almost every week!

Uh huh, but have you guys ever hung out alone together? No. Why? Because she doesn't want to hang out alone with you, stupid. If she did, she would have asked you to do all the things that friends do. Not that you would know what they were either, you've never really had one of those, have you? Nope. Robot.

No, but… that doesn't mean we aren't friends.

Please… What would a person like Jane need a friend like you for? She's just being polite, seeing as you're new and one of the only few women at the precinct. And also, if you guys were friends, why wouldn't she ask you to hang out more often and only every other week?

I… I don't know. Maybe they don't go to the Robber that often?

Please! They go to the Robber almost every night after work, you dufus! Quit lying to yourself. Nobody really wants you there. Do you realise that nobody else invites you along?

I… yeah.

Yeah, so get real. Admit it, you're all alone and you will be for the rest of your life. Get used to it, loser. Maura the bore-a!

A tear rolled down Maura's cheek and a sob escaped her lips. She dragged the back of her hand across her face to wipe the tear away, but more came. She sniffed and tried to down more wine, but she was hiccuping through her sobs now. There was a great hole in her heart and she couldn't believe how physical the pain was. It was clenching at her chest and making it hard for her to breathe. She closed her eyes and fell back on the sofa cushions, her hand losing its grip on the wine glass. It fell with a small crash onto her hardwood floor, shattering into tiny pieces. Maura just stared at the puddle of red liquid and glass shards, unable to muster the strength to do anything about it. She stared until she stopped seeing it, tears clouding her vision and dark thoughts clouding her mind.

She didn't know when, but she drifted off to a fitful sleep soon after.

Jane was pacing her apartment restlessly, one hand holding her phone and the other running through her hair. Her phone screen was on Maura's contact number.

Just give her a call, you coward!

I'm not a coward, I just don't know if… I should. What makes me think we're friends anyway? Maura is way out of my league, well in a manner of speaking, friendship-wise. She probably spends her weekends at posh parties and with other classy people. She wouldn't be free to " _just hang"_ , don't be stupid, Rizzoli.

But how would you know unless you call?

Yeah but do I _really_ need to find out the hard way? I mean, I could find some other way to occupy my time today. I don't have to get rejected by the new cool girl from work right? I mean, I barely dare to ask her to the Robber, she always dresses so nicely it's like she would rather be somewhere else, not at that cheapass restaurant with us bums. It's like she's slumming it with us. Ugh I should really stop asking her and making her feel like she needs to hang out with us… I'm probably putting her in an awkward position and she's too polite to refuse.

Jane stops her agitated pacing and throws her phone into her couch, scaring Jo Friday in the process. Jo gives a small yelp as the phone lands near her, causing Jane to hurry over and pick Jo up and hug her tightly. "Sorry Jo! Didn't mean to scare you, sweetheart." Jane gives a groan and falls back on the couch.

"Guess we're staying in and ordering takeout tonight, huh Jo?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Are you a good person?" is a question that she asks herself at least 20 times on a good day, and about every 5 minutes on a bad day.

The answer is always the same – "No."

She takes a deep breath, gives her head a little shake to remove the terrible thoughts clouding her head, and continues to trudge through her day. Because one thing Maura Isles will not stand for is being unprofessional. She never lets her emotion cloud her judgement or her working ability. Her work will never suffer, no matter how much she does.

Maura Isles is a genius, no doubt about that. That meant that her great brain capacity was more than capable of contemplating great life conundrums while simultaneously handling the great expectations of the work that came with being a woman at the peak of her chosen career field. It did not escape her notice that she had now achieved everything she could hope for in almost all aspects of her life. She had her dream career, being at the top of her game as the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, at the young age of 35 no less. She had a great house, expensive cars, social status – and all the comforts that came with leading an upper class life. Maura knew as clearly as anyone that the only thing missing in her life was _love._ That was one aspect of her life she didn't know how to perfect. It wasn't something you could work hard at and see results in.

Because God knew Maura had worked at it. She'd been on dates, with wonderfully eligible gentlemen – men who were handsome, wealthy, generous and attentive to her. Yet somehow something had always gone wrong. The relationships never really lasted. Some of the men found her dull, once they got her into bed or got past her beauty. Others she never found a connection with. Yet others were plain wrong, the occasional emotionally abusive or obnoxious kind. So here she was, a couple of decades on – standing here, single and alone.

And then about a couple of months ago, she was struck with a strange epiphany, so sudden and so simple that she was surprised she hadn't realised it sooner. It was so brilliant, so simple.

 _Not everyone deserves to love and be loved. Only good people are._

She was not one of the good ones, or one of the lucky ones. Love isn't an entitlement, but a privilege. How could she go about my life thinking she was entitled to be loved by someone, or that someone would want her to love them? She had to be rational. She was a woman of science after all. It was simply not

possible for everyone to have a partner. There were going to be some leftovers, because of geographical reasons, social reasons, and biological reasons. She was one of them. She was lucky in a sense though, she told herself, because she'd figured it out. This way she would not spend her life waiting and hoping to meet _The One._ Because she knew there was no such thing for her. 2 decades of dating has shown her enough. And Maura Isles was _completely_ _fine_ on her own, thank you very much.


	3. Chapter 3

Jane Rizzoli was a woman who screamed independence. This was a woman whose every move exuded effortless confidence, whose air was of one who never questioned herself. It was clear (she made sure of it) to everyone who'd ever met her that she didn't need anyone in her life to be perfectly all right. She said it often and she carried herself that way. Nobody doubted it. The only thing was, Jane Rizzoli was a damn good actress.

It hadn't escaped her notice that the new medical examiner was an incredibly attractive woman. Perhaps the most attractive woman Jane had ever laid eyes on. When she looked Jane in the eyes and smiled, it was like the rest of the world melted away, and Jane's breath would catch in her chest. How could anyone look so beautiful, so exquisite, and so pure? It made Jane feel like she would do anything to keep seeing that smile, and that terrible things would happen if she never saw Maura Isles smile again.

That's why Jane was such a goofball around Maura. She'd make all sorts of stupid jokes, poke fun at Korsak, Frankie or Frost, anything, anyone, to make Maura smile. And when she laughed… goodness, Jane thought that it would make her heart explode with joy. It was why Jane looked forward to work so much, and she'd seize every opportunity, any excuse, to head down to the morgue to talk to Maura. Autopsy report? Maura! Questions about suspicious fluids at crime scene? Maura! Latin words on victim's grandmother's dog's kennel? Maura! You get the picture.

Jane knew what it meant of course. She was a detective after all. This sort of thing wasn't going to escape her notice. She knew she was falling for one Maura Isles. It wasn't a surprise, she'd fallen for women before. She'd never been with one, for many reasons. Her workplace was sexist and prejudiced enough as it is, she didn't need to give her MCP colleagues more reason to call her a dyke. She was brought up Catholic and as rebellious as she had been growing up, she didn't think Angela could take this kind of hit from her, not while her younger brother was such a screw up and still serving time. She really needed to be the responsible one in the family and not be the cause for more worry. And well, there's also the fact that being with women was just… more emotional than being with men. Men weren't as sensitive as women. They could never really tell whether Jane was truly invested in the relationship. And they usually bounced back quickly with new women after break ups. To be honest, Jane didn't really care.

But now, this Maura Isles. She was driving Jane crazy. As much as she had fallen for women before, she didn't think she had fallen this hard before. Maybe it didn't help that Jane couldn't get away from her long enough to clear her head (what with them being colleagues) – not that Jane wanted to be away from her. Ever. Jane gave her head a little shake at these thoughts.

'Ugh c'mon get your shit together Rizzoli,' Jane muttered to herself under her breath. 'She probably isn't even gay. But even if she were, SHE IS WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE, IDIOT. So get your head straight on this and keep it together.'

And Jane forced herself to sit at her desk and google what 'Campylobacter jejuni' was instead of running down to the morgue to talk to Maura as she usually would.


End file.
